


I'm not running away (I will feel the pain and stay)

by bigotes



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, John Laurens is dead, M/M, mentions of philip/theodosia, mentions of suicide but really light?, single parent eliza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 01:12:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8183126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigotes/pseuds/bigotes
Summary: Sometimes, he wishes he had never met him. He feels terribly guilty afterwards, because his years next to John were the best years of his life. John gave color to his black and white life. But then he left. His life turned back to being black and white. And it hurt. It hurt too much.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so first of all, this is my very first fic (they don't exactly cover this subject in boarding school). My first lenguage is not English, so there are probably going to be a couple of typos. Feel free to correct me! :D
> 
> I tried to make this very angsty, but I don't know if I reached my goal? I hope so!  
> (Btw, the title is from Freeze You Out - Sia)  
> Anyway, enjoy!

Alexander still remembers the first time he saw John Laurens. He was just a guy in a bar back then, someone having a good time with his friends, drinking beer, laughing. He had this big smile in his face, and his eyes were a little bit glazy, but that didn’t stop Alexander from thinking that he was perfect.

Aaron Burr, his first friend in America, had offered to buy him a drink. Burr knew that Hamilton was new to the whole life-in-America thing. It was a nice gesture.

Hour passed, he had one, two, three, four drinks. He still couldn’t take his eyes off the cute guy.

“Maybe you should talk to him.” Aaron said, with a smile on his face. “What about you? I came here with you. I can’t leave you alone.” Hamilton responded, maybe making excuses to not talk to the pretty stranger, maybe because he didn’t want to make Burr uncomfortable.

“I can go home.” Said the senator with an easy smile. “Theodosia is waiting for me at home. I have my cute girl. Go get yours.”

Alexander doesn’t think he ever thanked Burr for that. Maybe he should. Not that it matters, anyway.

John Laurens was… Everything. “Thank God you decided to come and talk to me!” He exclaimed when Alexander approached. “I thought you were just going to stare at me for the rest of the night.” And yes, it was probably the alcohol talking, but that didn’t stop Alex from blushing.

“I’d offer to buy you a drink, but I see you’ve had quite a few.” He responded, his mind thinking quick, despite the fact that he had two burning cheeks.

John laughed, like, really hard. The he said. “I like you, what’s your name?” and it all escalated from there.

Sometimes, he wishes he had never met him. He feels terribly guilty afterwards, because his years next to John were the best years of his life. John gave color to his black and white life. But then he left. His life turned back to being black and white. And it hurt. It hurt too much. His heart literally aches when he thinks of John. And he always thinks of him. He can’t help it.

He stopped writing, sleeping, smiling. Lafayette tried to take him to therapy. But it didn’t work. How could it work? His therapist never met John. He didn’t know how it felt when half of your soul was ripped apart from you. He didn’t. No one did. Not Lafayette, nor Aaron, nor Eliza.

Eliza’s pregnancy was like a light in a tunnel after John’s death. Except that Alexander seemed to be in a different tunnel than everyone else.

Eliza had a baby shower. Hamilton grumpily sat in a corner and drank strawberry juice, because there was no alcohol. He hated the party. Everyone seemed so happy and alive. He'd never felt more dead.

“How are you naming him?” Asked Hercules, a big smile on his face.

Eliza’s eyes found their way into Alexander’s. “Philip John Schuyler.” She answered.

Everyone’s eyes turned a little sad. Hamilton left the party thirty minutes later. He didn't said goodbye to anyone.

“I think I hate him.” Alexander confessed to John. He was sitting in front of his soulmate’s grave. He used to do that frequently. It felt like a part of Laurens was still there, with him. “I just- Everyone is happy because of him. Like they just forgot you exist. Existed. I don’t know. His name is Philip John. I think I hate her, too, a little. For giving him that name.”

Silence. John would probably be happy. He’d be thrilled Eliza was having a baby, and naming him after him. He knew that. He would like to know that everyone was happy. John freaking loved babies. But Alex had always been a little selfish. He was being selfish now. He couldn’t help it.

“I miss you so much. I think- I’d would like to be with you.” He confessed. “Not now. I can’t take their happiness away from them. But soon, John. I don’t think I can keep it together for much longer. I can’t keep living without seeing your face every day. Or hearing you laugh. I don’t want to. I don’t want to live in a world without you, my dear Laurens.”

Philip had the same eyes as John. The same curly hair. The same big smile.

“Why does uncle Alex hates me?” He asked his mother once.

Eliza looked down at him, a frown in her face. “Alex doesn’t hate you, Philip. Don’t be silly.” She answered, her tone a little confused.

Alex was standing outside the room. He didn't mean to, he was just going to ask something to Eliza just when he heard the question.

“He does! He won’t even be in the same room as me!” The little boy exclaimed. “Uncle Laf says it’s because of the freckles. Do you think there’s something wrong with my freckles?”

“Your freckles are perfect.” Hamilton said out loud, appearing in the room. He felt kind of guilty. It was true, he didn’t like to be in the same room as him. But he didn’t hate the boy, not now. Not since the first time he saw him, held him in his arms. “And Lafayette is drunk. I don’t hate you, Philip.”

“See?” Eliza said, giving his friend a smile. “Now go play with Theodosia, okay?”

Philip, clearly regretting his actions, nodded and disappeared, without looking at them again.

“I’m sorry.” Said Alexander. “He just- He looks a lot like John, doesn’t he?” A small smile appeared in his lips. “With the hair, the big smile, the freckles…”

“I know.” Eliza said, nodding. “And there’s nothing to be sorry for. I know it’s hard for you. But you’ve always been here for me when I need it. So thank you, Alex.”

“Hi, uncle Alex!” Philip shouted, Eliza by her side.

“Hey, Philip!” Alex shouted back, an easy smile on his face, while he approached the two. “Ready to meet someone really special?”

“Of course! I want to know the John I was named after.”

“Okay, get in the car, kiddo.” Philip didn’t need to be told twice, after one second he was running to get in his uncle’s car.

“You sure you want to do this, Alexander?” Eliza asked, worry taking over her face. “You know you can just buy him ice cream and call it a day.”

“I want to do this.” He said, with a firm nod. “John would want to meet him. “

“Okay, then.” She sighed. “Take care."

Alex gave her a quick hug, and then joined Philip in the car. Philip told him about the class he was in, and the poem he had write for a girl in her class. (He didn’t say a name, but Alex was pretty sure it was for Theodosia) He was only nine, but an amazing poet for his age.

“Okay, so, my dear Laurens, here’s the boy I talked you about.” Alex said, once they were in front of John’s grave. He didn't know how Philip was gonna take this. He knew, of course, that John was dead. But most people would found a little weird that Alexander talked to his dead boyfriend's grave.

“Hi, sir!” Philip said immediately, clearly excited to meet John. “My name is Philip John! I was named after you, sir. It’s so nice to finally meet you! They told me you liked turtles, so I made you a poem about them!” He exclaimed, taking a paper from his pocket and placing it in the ground. “I’m a poet.” The boy explained.

Alex laughed a little. “I read it, it was really good. I think you are going to love it.”

“I would hope so!” Philip agreed.

“Do you think he would have liked me?” Philip asked, once they were headed out the cemetery.

“He would have loved you.” Alex nodded. “So… Do you wanna go eat ice cream?”

“Of course!”


End file.
